So after finding out about plan C, and it being a very emotional day, plus being admitted to the hospital on the same day, I really did not even get a chance to process what was said. I immediately began praying that the medicine would work and that I would not have any arrhythmia while in the hospital. Once I was able to have some time to analyze what the doctor had to say, and consider my future, many tears have followed. Tears from being emotionally drained and receiving unexpected news…fast forward to the return trip to Snyder.
I got home, and I was just really in a cloud of very non-emotional conversation and responses, and through this experience I have a new response to “how are you doing?” My response now after E.R. visits, doctor appointments, and being admitted into the hospital is “at THIS moment, I am doing well.” I really began seeing life moment by moment, which is a paradigm shift from my big picture mentality. I would come home and just hold Brinson until he could not last the embrace any longer and break away. In addition, I really did not believe that I could tell Brinson or Ashley how much I loved them in those following days. Luckily, to help me get my mind off of Houston, I had volunteered to help with a disciple now at our local church the following weekend. I was busy transporting high school guys back and forth from church and trying to help out with the weekend, which helped me to not dwell on the past week. Then, Sunday came and my emotional dam broke, and I could not hold it closed any longer.
It was so refreshing to be back in church that Sunday and to worship corporately with all the individuals that had prayed and served us while going through this time in our life. The biggest issue that I have had with plan C is “what happens to Brinson and Ashley if all goes wrong and I die. I am at peace with going on to be Jesus, but as the husband I feel the duty to take care of the blessing of a family. So my main question this whole time is “what happens to Brinson and Ashley?” The whole church service, I could not quit crying and snot was going everywhere. I went down to the alter and had a good one on one talk with God and came away with peace. Over these past three weeks, I have learned two things with “what happens with Ashley and Brinson:” 1) God can and will do things greater and more glorious than I could ever do as the husband of my household for Ashley and Brinson. 2) (the second one is more powerful to me) If I have to pass and go into glory for my family to be in the center of the will of Christ, I am at peace with that. Many things being learned over the past three or four weeks. Enough heavy…
I am feeling very well and have exercised multiple times this week. I feel really well and I have even taken my son on a walk and pushed him up a nice size hill during our walk. I was able to walk nine holes today and never once was winded. The medicine has been working and I feel pretty normal. I have good nights and bad nights of sleep, but I am getting use to that. My next post will be before our pacemaker check this week. My blood thinner medicine is not regulating like it should but that is not a cause for concern. Ashley and I appreciate the prayers.